HOCUS POCUS, MARY BLATZ

by

Laura Lee Ludlow

(Author of: "101 Tricks You Can Do With A Drugged Squirrel.")

Chapter 1

One day at the Fifth Floor Nurses Station, Mary Blatz was having her fortune told by Madame Cleo on the phone when suddenly the button-nosed Capricorn hung up and, turning to Nurse Rudge, said "Wanna see a trick?"

"No," said Nurse Rudge.

Ignoring her superior's mean and crabby mood, the Blatz girl reached up and pulled a ping pong ball from the Head Nurse's mouth.

"Pretty good trick," admitted Nurse Rudge.

"Wanna know where I learned it?"

"Don't tell me. Mr. Yamamoto at the Y."

"Nope," said the blonde-bunned amateur conjurer. "From my Uncle Moose's army pal, Mysto the Magician." Waving her hands mysteriously in Nurse Rudge's face, the prestidigitating pixie said "Wanna see another trick?"

"Yeah," said Nurse Rudge. "You doing some work around here."

"Abra Kadabra," said the Blatz girl, reaching up and pulling another ping pong ball from the Head Nurse's mouth.

Chapter 2

The next morning, Nurse Rudge was studying the fifth floor's phone bill and trying to figure out who Madame Cleo was when who should come waltzing off the elevator but Dr. Joe Taggart. "Hey, Rudgie, guess what?" grinned the good-natured colonoscopist. "The Entertainment Committee just hired Mysto the Magician to perform in Pediatrics this afternoon. I sure hope you'll be there."

"Gee whiz," sneered the Head Nurse. "I'll just have to miss it. I'm catching a flight to Detroit at 3:30. They told me to be there two hours early due to all the security checks. Speaking of magic, has Mary Blatz pulled any ping pong balls out of your mouth today?"

Dr. Joe frowned manfully. "Seven. In surgery."

At that moment, emerging from the supply room, the Blatz girl set a box of bandages down, then strolled over and, reaching up, pulled another ping pong ball from the Head Nurse's mouth.

"Now STOP that !" cried Nurse Rudge.

Congratulations to John O'Toole, winner of our "Finish The Latest Mary Blatz Episode Because Miss Ludlow Is Too Drunk and Lazy" Contest. John will be receiving his Clark Bar by registered mail with our heartiest congratulations. Herewith, the first installment of his winning entry:

Chapter 3

That afternoon, as Mary Blatz was on her hands and knees picking up ping pong balls that she had pulled from people's mouths and blithely tossed over her shoulder, who should come grumbling out of the elevator but Holy Christ Hospital's newest arrogant and headstrong young resident, Dr. Buzz Baxter. Approaching Nurse Rudge at the nurses station, Dr. Baxter donned her best scowl and said "I hope you'll be attending Mysto the Magician's performance today in Pediatrics, Nurse Rudge. Brenda too."

"Her name isn't Brenda," said Nurse Rudge. "And as for me, I'm catching a flight to Detroit at 3:30."

"Oh yeah?" Leaning his healing hands on the counter, Dr. Baxter shoved his puggish face into the Head Nurse's equally puggish face. "If you don't show up, by God, I'll write you up on disciplinary charges."

"What time?" sighed Nurse Rudge, still puggish but terrified of losing her job considering the present state of the economy.

"One P.M.," said Dr. Baxter.

"Well, that still gives me time to get to the airport, I suppose."

As Nurse Rudge was mentally revising her plan of departure, Mary Blatz climbed up off her hands and knees and, wafting mysteriously over to the bold and brash young sawbones, reached up and pulled a ping pong ball from his mouth, then blithely tossed it over her shoulder.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Mr. O'Toole will be forwarding Ch. 4 of this exciting tale of hospital intrigue and romance as soon as he quits smoking.

Chapter 4

When Nurse Rudge, wearing her new black nurses cape, all the rage once again after sixty-odd years of sartorial neglect, entered the fifth floor dayroom, the assembled children, or "Peedies," as they were known in medical circles, had already assembled, squirming in their chairs for a better view of the extraordinary entertainer, Mysto the Magician, who had come to mystify and amaze them. Dr. Buzz Baxter, standing near the door, glowered at the Head Nurse as she came slouching in and said "Take off your cape and stay awhile."

"Yes, doctor," glowered Nurse Rudge right back at him, tossing the stylish cape over an empty chair and secretly wishing that she could push him down as Mary Blatz had once done in the cafeteria.

On the little makeshift stage, Mysto was waving his hands mysteriously in the air in preparation for his first feat of legerdemain, Mary Blatz, serving as his charming and delightful assistant in a black sheath dress slit up one side, dancing and prancing around and flashing her one hundred and fifty-watt grin at the audience. Mysto himself a beady-eyed little man with dandruff who never smiled, thus reinforcing his aura as otherworldly wizard and doer of the impossible.

"For my first illusion," Mysto announced, "my charming and delightful assistant, Mary Blatz, will hit me over the head with a sledgehammer."

This was Mary Blatz's cue to pick up the sledgehammer and hit Mysto over the head with it. Which she proceeded to do, with considerable showbiz flare, one might add. "Oila !" said Mary Blatz.

To which Mysto, rolling his eyes and doing a mysterious little stagger, said "OW !" Then, spreading his arms out to either side, the dandruff-flecked wonder worker pronounced himself "Unscathed !" and took a well-deserved bow.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY," screamed the Peedies.

"And now," proclaimed Mysto, "for my next illusion, my charming and delightful assistant, Mary Blatz, will proceed to set my toupee on fire."

At which point, the long-lashed sorcerer's apprentice danced and pranced her way over to the magician's table and picked up a Bic lighter and proceeded to set Mysto's toupee on fire, then turned to the audience and flashed that high-wattage smile of hers again.

"Unscathed !" exclaimed Mysto. "OW !"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY !" cried the mystified crowd.

Chapter 5

"For my next amazing feat," announced Mysto, "I will attempt to shoot a fly in mid-air." Thus speaking, the astounder of young and old alike pulled a pistol from an inner pocket of his black magicians' cape. Whereupon his charming and delightful assistant, Mary Blatz, did a little fox trot across the stage and handed the magician a bullet. Loading his pistol, Mysto aimed at a spot above his head and fired, then proceeded to follow the path of a mortally wounded common housefly in its spiral plunge to the floor.

"YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY !" screamed the assembled peedies.

"For Mysto's next trick," proclaimed Mary Blatz, "he must have absolute quiet. For yes, he will now perform the illusion for which he is known throughout the entire civilized world. Before your very eyes, he will attempt to take a bath ... WITH ALL HIS CLOTHES ON !!!" At which point, the famed conjurer's blonde-bunned right hand gal shoved out a prop-tub filled with steaming pink bubble bath.

Pocketing the pistol, Mysto removed his cape with a theatrical flourish and hurled it across the same chair that Nurse Rudge had hurled her cape across moments earlier.

"This is the dumbest magic show I've ever seen," said Nurse Rudge. "I am so out of here." And with that, the Head Nurse grabbed the stylish black cape off the chair and, exchanging final glares with the headstrong Dr. Baxter, stomped out.

Later that evening, as Mary Blatz and Dr. Joe Taggart were smooching on the Blatz girl's couch in front of the TV set, a Special Bulletin came on, announcing that a woman named Althea Rudge had been swarmed by Federal Troopers at LAX that afternoon when an X-Ray machine had revealed a loaded pistol in the pocket of her stylish black nurses cape.

"Oh me oh my," said the Blatz girl.

"Kiss me, Mary Blatz," said Dr. Joe, quite frankly too hot-blooded at the moment to care about the plight of the otherwise beloved Head Nurse.

The lovestruck sawbones was about to plant a wet one on the pulchritudinous pixie's pucker when she reached up and pulled a ping pong ball from his mouth, then blithely tossed it over her shoulder.

THE END

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